Real Hip Hop

I understand every man's got a story to tell, well screw it I got a story as well. My story is just like yours though, but I've still got to tell it. I tell it because it makes me feel liberated, and at this point in my life I am all about freeing my heavy heart.

Yesterday, I went out on a date with a beautiful, intelligent young lady and we were having a great conversation. She told me about her goals and passions I shared mine, too. She told me about her past relationships and heartbreaks, I told her about my failed attempts at love as well. She asked me about my Mom and I spoke with so much pride, but when she asked me about you, my head sunk and my voice cracked. I thought I was over you man! I thought that when we fought that day in front of your house I let it all out. It's crazy because all the anger and bitterness that I have in my heart cannot compare to the feelings of sheer embarresment that I felt when she wanted to know about you. I can't even explain the feeling that came over my body when your name was brought up. It's like I have been walking around town with a prostethic leg fooling everyone into believing that it was real and she had just figured out that I was handicapped. All my life, I have worked to cover up the scars you left and convince myself that they didn’t exist. To be honest, I just want to move on and forget you, but the older I get, the more I realize that I will never be able to forget you. I remember when I was young, I used to feel like it was my fault that you didn’t give me the love I so badly needed and the older I got, I realized that wasn’t true but as I sit at this table across from this girl, I'm starting to feel like its me again. I don’t know why, but the fact that I can't talk about you with love makes me feel like I'm not worthy of her love. I sit and wonder how can I be a good father if I never had one, how can I be a good husband after I watched you terrorize my mother? All the feelings of self-doubt came rushing back and she can see me go through this state of shock right at the table, man I lost her for sure. What woman who came from a family where her father was a man of love and understanding want to be with a man who is still searching for that love? No matter how much money I make, or how strong my relationship with my mom is, your presence is truly missed. No one can replace you, Dad. I look just like you, I like the same music as you, and your style is just about as fly as mine, but if these genetic traits are shared between us what else do we share? Will my penis control my heart like you? Will the hardships of being a first-try-dad make me flee like it made you flee? Will my bitterness for the love I missed out on from you make me reject the love I am given by others, like it made you reject me and my love? I wish I had time to go through all of these emotions but I just don’t. I have wasted enough time trying to figure out why you couldn’t be the dad that I needed, but I'm just going to let go and let God deal with it. Just don’t be mad at me for letting go, I just know that if I am ever going to have success, I've gotta just put our relationship in perspective and keep my head up, so that's what Im going to do. I know that you didn’t know any better-- you just did what you could and I can't hate you for that. I guess I'm just going to have to live my life never knowing what the love of a father feels like, but I promise you one thing: my kids won't have this issue because I'm going to love on them like I wish I was. NAS once said “I pray for you, deadbeat daddies,cause when them kids get grown it's too late for you, now you old and you gettin shitted on” I have come to this realization as well, Dad and I pray for you every day, but don’t worry I won't shit on you. I just need my space.

Jay-Z like me has dealt with this issue. He along with Beanie Sigel wrote a song that was aimed at addressing this crisis that are youth especially are young men are going through. I remember when listened to The Dynasty Roc La Familia album and I came across this song titled "Where Have You Been" I was blown away! I never heard an artist talk about the pain of being neglected but this song gave me comfort. Jay-Z has given us so many classic albums and tracks, but in this song he gave us his best. Thank you Jay and Beanie for giving us this gift. Check out this verse Jay-Z spits and if you like what you hear go support !

Free Your Mind & The Rest Will Follow, Big Bob

[Jay-Z]
I wanted to walk just like him (remember?)
wanted to talk just like him (word)
often momma said I look too much
and I thought just like him (it could happen)
wanted to drink Miller nips
and smoke Newports just like you
but you left me, now I'm goin to court just like you
I would say "my daddy loves me and he'll never go away"
bullshit, do you even remember December's my birthday?
do you even remember the tender boy
you turned into a cold young man
with one goal and one plan
get mommy out of some jam, she was always in one
always short with the income
always late with the rent
You said that you was comin through
I would stay in the hallway (waitin)
always playin the bench (waitin)
and that day came and went
Fuck You! very much you showed me the worst kind of pain
but I'm stronger and trust me I will never hurt again
will never ask mommy "why daddy don't love me?
Why is we so poor?, why is life so ugly?
Mommy why is your eyes puffy?"
please don't cry everything'll be alright
I know it's dark now, but we gon' see the light
It's us against the world
we don't need him, right? (right)
mommy drivin 6's now (yeah), I got riches now (yeah)
I bought I nice home for both of my sisters now
we doin real good
we don't miss you now
see how life twists around, fucker?